aside from the brief moments when i just want to be a writer, a filmmaker or some other sort of pretentious, artsy fool, i am most inclined to a business-first state of mind. why? i guess it started with my idolization of microsoft – the way it was founded by Bill Gates and Paul Allen, the way it blossomed with some luck and maneuvering and the way it was so often hated because it was just so damn successful. i didn’t mind that they stole ideas from other companies, notably apple – which i admire in some ways, but often feel contempt towards the brand because it whores itself to people who think they are trendy and chic with computers. i remember the days when i used to fetch the New York Times from my front yard each morning, flipping immediately to the sports section to read about the Knicks and then flipping to the Business section to read the latest about Microsoft taking over Quicken or Microsoft battling it out with Netscape. i just loved the way Microsoft always beat quarterly estimates, put a lot of money back into research and development and refused to back down. of course, people might ask about their monopolistic behavior and their predatory ways and how i could possibly side with such an unscrupulous company, but i don’t know – i guess it’s kind of like the same way some people still love the yankees.

that is to say, the only microsoft product i’ve bought – besides their mice – was windows 95. i fundraised with kids around my neighborhood about 9 years ago through garage sales, and placed an order with tiger direct to have it shipped to my house on the day of its release. that was hotness. of course, it was only after three or four reinstallations that i finally got it to work, but i was thoroughly pleased with the new interface. i made my round around town installing windows on all my friends’ computers (mr. gates would not be too pleased to learn about that). since then, i’ve been using bootleg copies and oem pre-installed versions of office and windows, but i still have lots of love for the big M.

now, why did i write about Microsoft? it’s sort of random, but i guess i was trying to talk about how i value performance and being on top. considering that we are plugged into a capitalistic system, it may be the “right” frame of mind to have. but this is all so very ironic to me because my appreciation for a huge capitalist machine such as Microsoft underscores the profit-driven, success-oriented culture that has impressed itself in me throughout my life. i’m on my way to being just another cog in the machine. but there’s another spin to it because those who disdain the capitalist ways and feel that they are “above” the money-making, material grubbing lifestyle are often no better! people talk about “selling out” (i’ve surely made this point with hidden envy at those who go into finance) and love to criticize people who go into banking, law, etc. but why the bitterness? i feel like in our awesome (does that come off too sarcastically?) capitalist society, money isn’t the primary commodity, but status (i am totally copying tom wolfe here – i read about it in a chicago tribune article from the early 1990s) dominates.

i have a friend who got into med school as a junior in college (one of those early programs) and is well-respected for his high grades and great work ethic. why do you want to be a doctor? to help people, of course. to make advances in medicine. but how about the prestige? what about the “doctor” title? or how about continuing your family’s lineage of male doctors? surely, such perks/pressures have factored themselves in some way or another into the life decision. that is not to say it’s a bad thing, because who is ever able to resist being good at something and being admired for it? but my point is, more often than not, people do things because they are taught (somewhat programmed) to achieve a certain status for themselves. some may have lofty status expectations while others may be willing to settle, but if people all had it their way, who wouldn’t want to be a Microsoft?

what do parents love to talk about? my son/daughter goes to school X, which is prestigious. my son/daughter works here, makes this much, is good at such and such. nothing wrong with bragging about your genetic offspring, but besides giving their son/daughter a free promotion, what’s in it for them? status! oh, you – as a parent – raised a child of such caliber? awesome! my mom told me that much of the ivy league euphoria (me at columbia, my sister at dartmouth) has faded away because you can only tell so many people so many times before you really don’t think it’s a big deal. but perhaps if i had been at harvard, yale or princeton, it would’ve lasted longer for my parents. oh well. but status reigns!

so when i think about Microsoft and its awesome status, i ask myself – how can i, as an individual, be great like that? and i guess, in a somewhat-sad-but-oh-well kind of way, that’s the way life keeps moving along. oh yeah, i like that girl because we get along and she’s cool, but how will she come across to my friends? parents? will she look good and make me look good? that internship – how will it beef up my resume? how will it impress my peers? will i be able to meet people who can hook me up with a job? the benchpress – yeah, i don’t lift as much as some other kids my size, but for an asian dude, i am pretty strong. i can bench more than a lot of my friends and that makes me feel good about myself and allows me to gain a certain status – awesome, cool, i want to keep doing it. sweet. wonder when that JD or MBA will come along [damn, i always make a point of mentioning that every freaking entry]. ha.

too much has been made, that is, inside my own head, of the need – ay, the pressures – to be something more – especially during these summer weeks – a period that is supposed to be constructive and rewarding.

of course, try going six straight days of inordinate beer consumption and self-pitying over never-to-be-materialized romances — the pressure just mounts and you find yourself whining. well, i did.

all the partying – from the restaurant/bar, lounges, downtown loft, asian party scene, my own single – ended with a familiar late-night afterparty gorging at Gameeok, where me, Albert, Rich, and new aquaintance Lawrence tried to laugh off a night of Sausage Squad patrol at an MK party in the Canal Room. “At least your girl wasn’t heavier than you,” Rich, shaking his head, told me. “I’m never coming out without any girls again,” Albert, usually on the passive side, declared authoritatively. the sulong tang and bin dae dduk helped to distance lingering memories of standing still amid a dance floor wondering if we could summon up the courage to dance with a stranger.

the night ended with Rich trying to convince me to become a trader – even to the point of prophesizing that i will become one. lots of money, lockroom testosterone, intensity, excitement, long hours, no real skills needed, etc. — can’t say for sure that i’m totally opposed to the idea, but then again, will there be much to show for besides a handsome bank account balance? or is that all one needs in this world?

which brings me back to the pressure i’ve been feeling. the pressure to be more. i don’t really know what the driving cause is – i tell myself that it’s a deep-seated insecurity of being worthless – and my comparative habit of wondering why i am not as “successful” or “accomplished” as some of my peers has me discontent and dissatisfied — all while handicapped in a mental way so that i just lament at the realization but do little to correct it.

but of course, i am being silly. i look around and realize i am being unnecessarily jittery and over-worked about myself. calm down!

so i tried, and to a degree, it worked. i needed coffee badly and it was already past 9pm on a monday that i didn’t have work thanks to the birth of our awesome country. i promised myself i would drink decaf because i have work tomorrow and i can’t stay up too late. starbucks was closed early, but luckily, i found nussbaum & wu on 113th still open. a small decaf – the first time i’ve ordered it for myself (my parents always drink decaf) and a small cookie to nibble on – i sat down in what was virtually an empty room save the white woman chattering on her cellphone while going over a bunch of papers a few tables away. i plopped down on a four-person table and opened up my bonfire of the vanities. about ten minutes into my reading, i recognize the familiar guitar tabs and realize it’s john mayer singing why georgia on the radio. “am i living it right” is the line that i take to heart and wonder if all the self-imposed pressures and dissatisfaction is worth it. then it’s back to the book, where i devour all tom wolfe has to paint about new york in the eighties — and i realize that i love it so much more because the characters – namely the three main ones – are so easy to relate to on a personal level. McCoy – the bond salesman in an extramarital affair and serious legal trouble – loves the material life and puts an emphasis on the appearance of living large. Kramer – the Jewish assistant district attorney who works in the Bronx and went to Columbia Law – has a race-consciousness and muscle/macho consciousness that is perfectly depicted in his prized possession of hard sternocleidomastoids. Fallow – the British journalist for The City Light who can’t keep away from the alcohol and looks condescendingly upon America – is judgemental (like the extra “e”?) and very aware of his inability to ward off a destructive lifestyle. for me, the trinity of these characters have kept me on my feet with every page, on one hand wondering how skillfully they were crafted and on the other hand wondering why it is that i feel so close and even sympathetic to these less-than-virtuous white men. perhaps new york, the setting of this book, has something to do with it . or maybe i am relating to what it is to be american, minus the korean adjective (although they do mention korean grocers at least once so far). yeah, that’s right. is there such a thing (“american”)? maybe i am beginning to believe that there may be.

i walked out of nussbaum about 20 minutes after ten and felt good about a few things. good that i had found a nice reading spot on a weekday. good that i was feeling calm and not as anxious about life. good that i had read a few chapters outside the bathroom stall or subway car. good that there was nobody really watching except myself, so i can cut myself a break.

i guess these self-critical, feel-good, gonna-be-better entries are lame in the sense that the conclusion is always predictable. but since they’re harmless, i don’t mind…. so here goes… who am i? what is it that i want? am i happy? i don’t know. but for the moment, i’ll be who i am, and play it by ear.

today at work, they brought in an assistant professor from stern (b-school at nyu) who specialized in communication in a corporate environment. professor schramm, if i am spelling it correctly, presented to some of the human resources staff members what he would do for NFL employees with his three-session workshop. it was interesting to see what kind of skill sets he proposed to focus on and topics ranged from lower-level employees interacting with superiors, getting/giving feedback, taking a look at different methods of communication, and more. throughout the meeting, having all these “communication skills” listed and explained had me thinking about my own communication ability… or the lack of it.

the more i think about it, i recognize a great deficiency in the way i communicate with others. it’s too embarrassing or almost self-effacing to just list it all here because i might end up feeling cleansed from this blog confessional – buy anyway, i’ll just jot a few points.

1. rushed – i think especially with people i don’t know too well or people who may be “above” me – i.e. professors, supervisors, etc. – i am more concerned about ending the conversation than maintaining it. slow down!

2. lecturing – yes, i am one sanctimonious mofo. i’ve been told that i preach a lot and i lecture people as if i am superior or “know better” when in fact i know jack shit. so yeah, unless it’s like a little kid who is clueless and really really needs guidance, i should just chill out with the condescending, know-it-all approach to communicating.

3. ramble – i like to think that reading a lot has made me more interesting, but i have realized that my inability to articulate (or to regurgitate) the information has made me even less interesting because people can’t follow what i am trying to say. being incoherent and unmemorable renders anything insightful or stimulating in my head pretty useless. i hope my written communication isn’t as convulted, but then again, i’ve seen my AIM convos and they’re just as jumbled and pathetic as well.

i remember when i was in first grade, about 10 months after i had immigrated to the united states from korea – the phone rang at home and i picked it up and answered in korean but could not really understand what the korean person on the other line was saying. i struggled to reply, so my mom took the phone and answered it. she later yelled at me for being an idiot who could no longer understand korean nor speak any english. she was right – it was a tough transition period for me as i forgot korean and struggled to learn english. fifteen years later, i go to an ivy league university and flaunt big words from time to time, but in reality, i’m still awkward, uncomfortable, and unable to communicate effectively. but this time, it’s not a matter of knowing the language — i think it’s just a matter of being honest… to myself… and to everyone else. no further elaboration — i’ll let you speculate — but yeah, a stupid mouth.