again i fooled myself into having some sort of hope… but of course it backfires!
i must call upon pessimism once again for a thorough consultation
and put together a plan to save myself from the pitfalls of unrealized dreams.
that confusingly verbose movie was right! cruelty! human drama!
or was it something about infinite nature and how we’re all connected?
hush! who the capital F cares?

there are others waiting to be found or even to be noticed who feel the same way.
it is an anguish of sorts not in the everyday matters of the student like tests or grades
nor even the material future of jobs and salary figures… no, not at all…
but rather it is the awareness that everything is totally meaningless in the end
and that we impose on ourselves these empty expectations that prove all too transient
or is ephemeral a better word?

i’ve had enough of it all and yet i do late nights and get anxious, well sort of.
and i can’t help but to want to feel important and loved and admired and respected.
i read the books of famous dead men and want to be just like them – famous, even in death.
but i am so very plain like a small package of the most common oatmeal flavor in a variety box.
ready to serve in just 1 min 30 seconds!

what shall i do now that the leaves start turning and the cold weather rears its ugly head.
only the abundance of national holidays make this portion of the year tolerable
but i am most in need of someone to care for around christmas time when commercials
and movies bombard me with romantic fancy and family values propaganda.
oh it’s a wonderful life!

more and more cryptic have my messages become and is it all on purpose?
does it look like i try too hard to write for writing’s sake and nothing more?
but it’s easy to see that i want to be noticed and called on to explain some lines.
then again, people are so busy with their own lives why would they bother
with the insignificance that is mine?

truly, honestly, most definitely,
this resides with the pathetic.