Note: the blues are back!
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I’ve come out here less and less since I quit smoking a couple of months ago. The first few weeks were tough, but it wasn’t like I smoked more than two packs a week, so by the end of the third week, I didn’t even miss it much. Although it’s turned chilly, I still don’t mind the occasional beer out here. It gives me time to clear my head and think hard about some of the big decisions I may have to make in the near future. Speaking of which…

Two weeks ago, a couple of guys from a company called Trauberg Holdings approached me and asked if I was interested in selling my two stores. At the time, I told them that business was solid and that I had no intention of selling. They gave me a price – a number I never imagined that these two stores would be worth – and told me to call them if I ever changed my mind. At first, I told myself that I would stay strong and continue to grow my business. The stores had positive mentions in both TimeOut New York and New York Magazine in the past five months (NYM even had a decent pic of me) and we were scheduled to have scenes of an upcoming Hollywood movie shot in one of the stores (I only said yes because Rachel McAdams is supposed to be in it). But I kept wondering – was this my once-in-a-lifetime ticket to try something exciting and new? Starting my own business in New York was fun and exciting, but with a big lump of cash – money enough to last me a lifetime provided I don’t buy any crazy mansions or yachts – anything is possible.

So that’s what I’ve been mulling over in my head the past two weeks. The what ifs. What if I sold my stores and moved out to the West Coast? Start up something small in San Francisco and see how it’s like? I’ve always loved going there for various conferences and have some friends I’ve kept in touch with. Or how about putting a good portion of the money in some high interest-earning vehicle while I travel the world for a year or two? I could have extended stays at all the places I’ve ever wanted to visit: the Piedmonte region of Italy, the southern coast of Spain, the vineyards of New Zealand, the heart of Tokyo, and so on. If I don’t take this opportunity now, as a young 28-year-old, would I enjoy it as much when I finally do it on my own terms, perhaps much later than I would like? And is there any guarantee that my business will continue to flourish for me to plan such a trip?

And what about writing? Part of the reason I can never write anything more than a short story is because of my daily commitment to the stores. I have competent managers and solid employees, but because it’s ultimately mine, I’ve never been able to go a day without worrying or trying to come up with some new idea. Just the other day, I had to make my staff redo the window display at one of the stores because the books we were showing were too much like the ones you’d find on display at Barnes & Noble – too mainstream and too base. I said “no way” to the new Michael Crichton novel and had them supplement Martin Amis’s new novel with one of his older hits – nothing extreme, but still an important detail. If I were to be relieved of such daily concerns, then perhaps I would find the time and frame of mind to focus on a novel-length story, a constant item on my lifetime To Do List.

But there are pitfalls to selling out on my business. What if I miss it? What if it does poorly after I’m gone? Or, what if it does extremely well without me? And is it really that bad? I mean, I do take week-long vacations from time to time and if I really wanted to, I could leave for three or four weeks. And I could take those days to really get some writing done. I sat down and reviewed some numbers on Excel the other week and using the latest sales trends, I’m on pace to make a good chunk of change in the next few years, although still short of the sum I was offered by Trauberg. What is it that I truly want? Could I have it both ways? Not sell but still enjoy myself, as if I was totally free?

All this thinking has me pretty stressed out. I could surely use a smoke right now. Maybe a pack won’t hurt – only for as long as this big decision-making thing drags on.