February is almost over, which means spring time is just around the corner, although you never know in New York, where winter tends to persist until April sometimes. I guess a little bit of winter-depression release is in order, since I’ve had that knotted dreadful feeling in my stomach for the past month. It’s definitely a combination of things – bleak outlook on future, frustration with present circumstances, and an inability to appreciate what’s already available. Perhaps just some chemical imbalances in the head which tilts the happiness meter towards empty. There are still many things I would like to accomplish and to experience, but I find myself wondering more and more if such things even matter so much or if I’m deluding myself by placing such high priorities on them. Okay, I am being vague. Maybe I just haven’t put as many fond moments in writing lately.

The weekend was swift. On Friday, Sei-Wook, Annabel, and I pulled an all-nighter working on various KASCON-related projects including the conference program, the t-shirt, and other materials. We’re very pleased with the t-shirt, which has that faded vintage Abercrombie look. Wook worked furiously at making the fades look real, and Annabel, who has recently joined our team, did great work with the lettering. The program is going to be a massive headache because it requires a lot of layout work, but I think if I work at it an hour or two a night, it’ll eventually get done in time. On Saturday, Dan Sim came over and the four of us went to Columbia to meet with clients. Dan and Wook went to meet the owner of Golden Sound, an audio equipment vendor. Annabel and I met with a prospective client for our ColumbiaGroups initiative, a nice guy named Matt from the acapella group Nonsequitur. Both meetings went very well, and though I’m sure each of us wondered why we spend our Saturdays this way, there was a sense of “let’s keep at it and see where this goes” in all of us.

I spent the evening looking up Moody’s ratings and industry codes for my VP, who needed them the next morning. I loathed the way the Moody’s website was so slow and also very displeased about my lack of energy and motivation these days. I did enjoy talking to Dan online about some possible business ideas, including a dating website geared towards Single Asian Males, a group I’ve labelled as “most demographically disadvantaged in the online dating scene next to the Single Black Female.” I’m serious, I wrote up a whole plan today, and I think it can work. (Anyone else interested?)

Around 2am, I took a cab down to Circa Tabac, which is right near the Holland Tunnel. I remember how my parents and I used to pass by it every time we drove home from our photo store, which, by the way, is now a Japanese pastry shop. Anyway, Circa Tabac is the only place in New York where smoking happens to be permitted. It’s something to do with a grandfather clause that allows shops dependent on tobacco sales to retain indoor smoking rights. I met up with Brandon, who I hadn’t seen in a while, and we sat at the bar of the smoke-filled, dimly-lit downtown lounge. Over a glass of Jameson scotch and some beers, we smoked a pack of Dunhill Superior Milds and talked about the usual: frustrations at work, girls, and what we want to do with our lives. It was a nice time although the nasty smell of the place made me realize how great it was that most places in New York are now smoke-free.

Today (Sunday) was fairly routine: a sweet conversation with Melanie in the morning (she took a weekend trip to a southern part of Taiwan and was staying at her father’s friend’s place); having to fill out the S&P ratings and industry codes for work – and thank goodness Ratings Direct was fast; wasting time in front of the television; spending a bit of time working on Class Notes and reading Model Behavior by Jay McInerney at Coffee Pot, a quiet but uncreatively lit/decorated cafe on 49th and 9th. On the way back, I grabbed a Chipotle burrito and ate it at home while watching the season premiere episode of the Sopranos with Warren. I’m really full by the way and contemplating going to the gym shortly.

Hmm. Well, I guess taking the time to actually list the things I’ve done over the weekend does make it seem a lot better. You know, maybe this is just it. Life goes by fast and sometimes the speed of it makes it feel aimless and without reason. Well, not that there has to be a reason, but if you find a way to remember, reflect, and organize the things you’ve been through, they seem to acquire new value. You can spend and spend and if you never stop to see what you’ve bought, you’ll never know exactly how much you’ve acquired. Well, perhaps not the best analogy, but in any case, I need to document life on a more regular basis and be a bit more hopeful about things.