I remember the rush of nationalistic pride four years ago when South Korea made an impressive showing in the the 2002 World Cup. For the historically overrun and raped peoples of the peninsula, it was a sweet feeling to find the Koreans outshining all of their Asian neighbors, especially the co-host Japan, and to see them compete at the highest level of sports competition. Sure they looked really short against the Germans, but the success of Korea’s soccer team imbued a sense of confidence and can-do attitude in this small country.

I may be out of touch with the Korean way of life – my language skills are lacking, my cultural tastes are often at odds, and I haven’t even gone back to visit the motherland since immigrating here some 17 years ago – but I still get a bit upset if people think I’m Chinese or criticize Korean cuisine. And how can I ever forget? I’ll never lose my Korean physical features, the cravings for Spam in ramen noodles, or eating seaweed soup on my birthday. My parents and grandmother, as remote as they’ve been from the country of Korea, are still in step with the latest dramas, celebrity gossip (via Korean websites), and holistic medicines. But I digress; back to sports.

It’s a good time to be someone with Korean ties and a sports fan. The Winter Olympics saw the triumph of Koreans on short track and although Ohno won a gold (at least in a fair way this time), everyone knew which country produced the top short track skaters. The way the Koreans blasted past the Canadians in the men’s relay race for the gold was awe-inspiring. They made it look too easy. And what of this year’s Super Bowl MVP? Hines Ward is not fully Korean, skeptics would say. But he’s half Korean, has the unmistakable Korean face, was raised by a single Korean mother, and spending his vacation time – where else? – in Korea. Let us have our stake in claiming him for our community!

And most recently – the Korean baseball team. Ichiro, the Japanese superstar who plays for the Mariners, wrote off the Korean team early by saying that a crushing Japanese victory would set the Korean team back for at least the next 30 years. So when Japan and Korea met on Japan’s home turf, what just had to happen? A Korean victory, of course. A New York Times article mentions how Korean players are especially motivated to succeed in the World Baseball Classic tournament because waivers for military service will be given to the younger players if the team can make it into the semifinals. Tonight, they did the unthinkable and crushed an incredibly stacked American baseball team. Alex Rodriguez? Derek Jeter? Chipper Jones? How about a lineup full of Lees and Kims?

The reason I tout the success of Koreans in sports is not so much that I am an ultra-nationalistic Korean (I don’t even remember what it’s like there) or that I have some blind notions about an inherent Korean superiority (no “children of the God” complex), but it has to do with this vague feeling of a double consciousness. Yes, it’s a reference to DuBois for those who care, and I mean it in the same sense. As much as I would love to grasp the idea of being American on my own terms, I am always forced to see myself from the eyes of others. Asian before American, immigrant before citizen. I exaggerate for dramatic purposes, but I do feel the “twoness” that DuBois uses to describe the Negro. For me: an American, a Korean – “two warring souls, two thoughts, two unreconciled strivings; two warring ideals in one [yellow] body, whose dogged strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder.” I seldom find myself cheering for American teams. The stakes are too impersonal when a superpower takes the tracks or the mound. But with a Korean team, I can look at their faces and see myself and my father. And this is why I draw my pride from the success of Korean athletes, because it gives me hope and confidence that it is not about abandoning one side for the other, but ultimately, about merging the double self into something I can truly call my own.

February is almost over, which means spring time is just around the corner, although you never know in New York, where winter tends to persist until April sometimes. I guess a little bit of winter-depression release is in order, since I’ve had that knotted dreadful feeling in my stomach for the past month. It’s definitely a combination of things – bleak outlook on future, frustration with present circumstances, and an inability to appreciate what’s already available. Perhaps just some chemical imbalances in the head which tilts the happiness meter towards empty. There are still many things I would like to accomplish and to experience, but I find myself wondering more and more if such things even matter so much or if I’m deluding myself by placing such high priorities on them. Okay, I am being vague. Maybe I just haven’t put as many fond moments in writing lately.

The weekend was swift. On Friday, Sei-Wook, Annabel, and I pulled an all-nighter working on various KASCON-related projects including the conference program, the t-shirt, and other materials. We’re very pleased with the t-shirt, which has that faded vintage Abercrombie look. Wook worked furiously at making the fades look real, and Annabel, who has recently joined our team, did great work with the lettering. The program is going to be a massive headache because it requires a lot of layout work, but I think if I work at it an hour or two a night, it’ll eventually get done in time. On Saturday, Dan Sim came over and the four of us went to Columbia to meet with clients. Dan and Wook went to meet the owner of Golden Sound, an audio equipment vendor. Annabel and I met with a prospective client for our ColumbiaGroups initiative, a nice guy named Matt from the acapella group Nonsequitur. Both meetings went very well, and though I’m sure each of us wondered why we spend our Saturdays this way, there was a sense of “let’s keep at it and see where this goes” in all of us.

I spent the evening looking up Moody’s ratings and industry codes for my VP, who needed them the next morning. I loathed the way the Moody’s website was so slow and also very displeased about my lack of energy and motivation these days. I did enjoy talking to Dan online about some possible business ideas, including a dating website geared towards Single Asian Males, a group I’ve labelled as “most demographically disadvantaged in the online dating scene next to the Single Black Female.” I’m serious, I wrote up a whole plan today, and I think it can work. (Anyone else interested?)

Around 2am, I took a cab down to Circa Tabac, which is right near the Holland Tunnel. I remember how my parents and I used to pass by it every time we drove home from our photo store, which, by the way, is now a Japanese pastry shop. Anyway, Circa Tabac is the only place in New York where smoking happens to be permitted. It’s something to do with a grandfather clause that allows shops dependent on tobacco sales to retain indoor smoking rights. I met up with Brandon, who I hadn’t seen in a while, and we sat at the bar of the smoke-filled, dimly-lit downtown lounge. Over a glass of Jameson scotch and some beers, we smoked a pack of Dunhill Superior Milds and talked about the usual: frustrations at work, girls, and what we want to do with our lives. It was a nice time although the nasty smell of the place made me realize how great it was that most places in New York are now smoke-free.

Today (Sunday) was fairly routine: a sweet conversation with Melanie in the morning (she took a weekend trip to a southern part of Taiwan and was staying at her father’s friend’s place); having to fill out the S&P ratings and industry codes for work – and thank goodness Ratings Direct was fast; wasting time in front of the television; spending a bit of time working on Class Notes and reading Model Behavior by Jay McInerney at Coffee Pot, a quiet but uncreatively lit/decorated cafe on 49th and 9th. On the way back, I grabbed a Chipotle burrito and ate it at home while watching the season premiere episode of the Sopranos with Warren. I’m really full by the way and contemplating going to the gym shortly.

Hmm. Well, I guess taking the time to actually list the things I’ve done over the weekend does make it seem a lot better. You know, maybe this is just it. Life goes by fast and sometimes the speed of it makes it feel aimless and without reason. Well, not that there has to be a reason, but if you find a way to remember, reflect, and organize the things you’ve been through, they seem to acquire new value. You can spend and spend and if you never stop to see what you’ve bought, you’ll never know exactly how much you’ve acquired. Well, perhaps not the best analogy, but in any case, I need to document life on a more regular basis and be a bit more hopeful about things.

Ever since my parents closed up their photo store, I’ve become less and less enthusiastic about taking digital photos. I guess there’s something very annoying about the process of having to organize, resize, and label them after going through the trouble of taking pictures in the first place. But as with anything that requires a bit of effort, there’s a lasting value to a nicely arranged set of photos. This weekend, I decided to finally set up a little photo album on this blog to put up selected photos of various trips/events/observations in my life. Hopefully I’ll have the resolve to write interesting captions from here on, but the ones I’ve put up for now do not have any labels, so they’re open to your interpretation.

You can find the link to the photo albums on the right sidebar, or go directly to pk photo albums.