again i fooled myself into having some sort of hope… but of course it backfires!
i must call upon pessimism once again for a thorough consultation
and put together a plan to save myself from the pitfalls of unrealized dreams.
that confusingly verbose movie was right! cruelty! human drama!
or was it something about infinite nature and how we’re all connected?
hush! who the capital F cares?

there are others waiting to be found or even to be noticed who feel the same way.
it is an anguish of sorts not in the everyday matters of the student like tests or grades
nor even the material future of jobs and salary figures… no, not at all…
but rather it is the awareness that everything is totally meaningless in the end
and that we impose on ourselves these empty expectations that prove all too transient
or is ephemeral a better word?

i’ve had enough of it all and yet i do late nights and get anxious, well sort of.
and i can’t help but to want to feel important and loved and admired and respected.
i read the books of famous dead men and want to be just like them – famous, even in death.
but i am so very plain like a small package of the most common oatmeal flavor in a variety box.
ready to serve in just 1 min 30 seconds!

what shall i do now that the leaves start turning and the cold weather rears its ugly head.
only the abundance of national holidays make this portion of the year tolerable
but i am most in need of someone to care for around christmas time when commercials
and movies bombard me with romantic fancy and family values propaganda.
oh it’s a wonderful life!

more and more cryptic have my messages become and is it all on purpose?
does it look like i try too hard to write for writing’s sake and nothing more?
but it’s easy to see that i want to be noticed and called on to explain some lines.
then again, people are so busy with their own lives why would they bother
with the insignificance that is mine?

truly, honestly, most definitely,
this resides with the pathetic.

after a long, somewhat busy sunday, albert and i went to morton williams to pick up some veggies and other accessories for the burgers being cooked back in my EC flat by grace. we got onions, tomatoes, 2% kraft singles american white cheese, and romaine (none of that iceberg crap) lettuce. back in EC, we triple-teamed the burger effort in the kitchen, splitting the veggie preparation and meat cooking duties. the meat in action were of the omaha steaks variety, part of the multi-meat package i had received last week via special internet order. we made six burgers for four people. our fourth dinner member, christina, joined us just as we finished putting the freshly chopped veggies, sauteed onions, and hot meat with covered cheese on the table as a sort of a burger “bar” setup. the last two burgers we made had extra flavor as we added a dash of heineken to the cooking process. taking one last glance before creating my own burger, i remembered that i had a box of bacon (100 slices, also part of the omaha collection) in the freezer. thanks to its precooked composition, i was able to prepare the bacon in less than 3 minutes via microwave. albert and i then proceeded to “upgrade” our burgers with this extraordinary burger accessory.

while watching What Women Want (starring Mel Gibson and Helen Hunt) on TBS and eating our burgers on the floor of grace’s room – highlighted by the green and light green striped carpet from crate & barrel, a “centerpiece” of sorts – i caught a quick flash of awareness and noticed what a blissful moment this was. delicious burger in mouth, beer on hand ready to wash it down, decently entertaining movie on television, and three superbly pleasant friends in the same room. jeff, coming back from the gym, joined us on the floor as well, and i was once again reminded of the “good” things in life. we joked some, laughed some, and finished the burgers. it was too bad that reality had to invade so soon and take everyone back to their world of responsibilities and deadlines.

being the egomaniacal person that i am, i’ve decided to end this entry by referencing something i wrote a while back – a little more than a year ago on my now defunct pk@columbia series:

“I wish I can stop taking myself so seriously. When you get to thinking that everything you do is so important, that’s when you’re just asking for extra stress and unwanted problems. Forget the pressure, forget the big dreams, and lose the feeling of self-assigned importance. Learn to enjoy the nice weather and be happy to see your friends. Gosh, I sound like a fortune cookie. I’ll have myself another Choco-pie now.”