I currently own thirty-eight ties. five of them are pink. seven of them are from Brooks Brothers, two of them are from Burberry, and one of them is from Thomas Pink. eighteen of them are of a striped pattern, which i keep together on a separate hanger. i have one Tommy Hilfiger tie that is orange and has a goldfish pattern. i am thinking about retiring a green striped Geoffrey Beene tie because it looks worn out. there are about six or seven ties that i will probably never wear because of inferior quality or poor design, but i just like to have them around – in case someone needs to borrow a tie or i need a costume.

I mention my tie collection – if you can even call it that – because i purchased my thirty-ninth tie at work today. my friend Jen, who currently resides in Los Angeles working at an investment management firm, forwarded me an email from DailyCandy that offered 25% off ties by Lee Allison Company. It is a tie company based in Chicago and all its ties are handmade with silk in Europe. That is probably why they charge $90 per tie. With the promotional code contained in Jen’s email, the price of the tie was lowered to $68 plus $6 shipping and handling. I didn’t want my co-workers to see me shopping for ties at work, and deferring to Jen’s superior fashion taste, I let her pick out a tie for me from her desk 3,000 miles away. Appropriately enough, she picked out a pattern called “Wall Street” which consists of a bull and bear beating up on each other. I decided to go with the gold color since I lack nice, yellowish ties. Since the tie pattern seemed work-related, I showed it to my associates, who thought it was “cute.” I added the tie to the shopping cart, checked out, entered in my Mastercard information, and confirmed my purchase. I hope to receive my tie sometime in the next ten days.

A tie is a funny thing — it serves no practical function (doesn’t keep us any warmer) and yet, is an essential part of businesswear. It is the ornate piece that adds color to a suit, it is the silky phallus that exudes masculinity, it is the status symbol that reflects that material clout of the wearer, it is the swatch palette for imaginative minds seeking attention. Many workplaces have done away with ties, preferring business casual. At my firm, ties are still very relevant, and I find myself looking for every opportunity to discover the “next great tie.” If life can be measured by the acquisition of nice ties, then today was a good day.